


Run

by janice_why



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Angst, M/M, and oh yeah this is my first fanfic hA bye, aunt cass scares me kinda whoops, be careful it isn't pure fluff ok, but also fluff, everyone is sad and gay, hey none of this is real life so don't skin me alive please, hiro is gonna age ok he gonna be 18 at one point, i hope tadashi doesn't sound homeless idk, i tried i think, i wrote this in less than a week and then ate like a cup of chocolate syrup, rated it mature just in case rlly, sad stuff, there's a bit of smut but it's not too much, why am i tagging my sins, wow i'm sorry this is trash, yes they're brothers in the fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 12:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5829064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janice_why/pseuds/janice_why
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm forgetting things I told you to remember; that honestly can't be right, there wasn't anything. Not if I change my mind, and especially not if my mind changes me.</p>
<p>But still, what an aching sadness this is. Oh, well. As long as you're not sad forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run

**Author's Note:**

> OK so This Is my first fanfic. and it's also the first thingy i've written that qualifies as a story in some form. I signed up. for a website. to post this. i don't evenn know i'm very sorry but anYWaYs might make a another chapter or something if people like it also criticize me. tell me why i suck. please. thank you.
> 
> **This is heavily inspired by the song "Run" by Snow Patrol (snippets of the lyrics are in this thing) because I ruin everything i touch feel free to listen to the song on repeat while reading this or don’t i do not care it's merely a recommendation**
> 
> Yes there are some run-on sentences in here (also meaning big paragraphs), it's kind of a style, I'm trying to show that feeling of overthinking everything, or just not being able to stop thinking. you know the thing where you're in bed and really sad and keep wondering why. that

“Hey, Hiro?” Tadashi murmured, petting Hiro’s hair.

“Yeah?” 

“Okay, so, listen,--”

“I’m listening,” Hiro huffed, cranking his neck to look at his older brother. “Um, Tadashi…”

Tadashi stared at nothing in particular, his face blank. “Hiro…” he trailed off, then blinked, smiled warmly, and looked into Hiro’s eyes. He went on. “I want you to remember something for me.”

He paused, and Hiro nodded, thinking he wanted a response of some sort.

“I want you to remember that I love you. I know that you  _ know  _ I love you, but I want you to remember.”

Tadashi sighed, looked back to nothing, and went on.

“I want you to remember-- and, you need to trust me when I say this-- that even if you can’t hear my voice, I’ll be right beside you. You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all I’ve done… Okay? Can you do that for me?”

Hiro repeated his brother’s words in his head for a few moments before replying. “Yeah. I can do that for you. But I want you to be able to do the same for me.”

“…Okay,” Tadashi said, smiling, and he planted a kiss on Hiro’s cheek.

  
  


Days, weeks, months later, and they both remembered.

 

\--

 

Just as Tadashi stirred Hiro from his sleep, pushing him off his chest.

“Hey, knucklehead! Aunt Cass says dinner is ready. Again.”

Just as the two started running down to their kitchen, Mochi scrambling to get out of their way.

“Aunt Cass, we’re coming!” Hiro yelped.

Just as they heard a dish being shattered; possibly a frustrated groan coming from Aunt Cass-- but closer to a screech, really.

Hiro shot a worried look at Tadashi and they both picked up the pace.

Just as they stumble into the kitchen, a plate’s remains strewn across the room, and a very unhappy Aunt Cass leaning on the table, holding her head in her hands.

“I need,” she said through her teeth, “a vacation.”

\--

 

And so they packed their bags and bought tickets for a trip to Florida. It wasn’t anything too fancy, it wasn’t a week-- It was not more than five days, including two for getting there and coming back, of course. They weren’t even missing school-- Given that it was winter break. And Aunt Cass didn’t have to close the restaurant, since one of her friends was kind enough to manage it for her. Although somewhat last minute, it was still planned out rather well. It was very convenient. No mishaps, no missing receipts from ticket purchases, no unexplained traffic jams or extraordinarily long bathroom lines, no spontaneous combustion. Everything was going smoothly.

It continued being as such. The three, after waiting forty-five minutes in line, finally managed to board the plane without any emotional breakdowns.

Hiro stepped on and promptly sat in his seat, Tadashi and Aunt Cass following. He was, luckily enough, seated by the window, Tadashi right next to him. A good ten minutes pass before the plane lifts off, and Hiro already has his earphones in. They break through the clouds. Fluff. Fluff and sunshine. That, and Tadashi right next to him. Time flies, without him noticing, and he falls asleep, his head laying against his brother’s shoulder.

It’s nice. 

Even though Hiro has a bit of headache. No, that didn’t matter. This was nice. He could stay like this forever and be content. Tadashi was warm. The sun, it was warm. Everything was nice, and happy, and warm. And they loved each other. And so it was perfect.

And what? He understands. He understands that neither of them can raise their voice to say it, not really here, or somewhere else in public, only alone, completely alone. But he understands that. And  _ what?  _ He  _ understands, _ he only wished it wasn’t the case. But no, no one would give it a chance. A relationship like theirs will immediately be rejected by society.

He needs to stop caring about that. He needs to stop thinking about it.

Because, really, they had each other. That’s all he wants. That’s all he needs. That’s all  _ they  _ need.

And to them, it was perfect.

 

\--

 

Hiro’s brain flopped as he was practically thrown awake from a rough landing. He heard Tadashi stifle a small giggle.

“Shut it, nerd.”

“I said nothing!”

Hiro huffed, smiling. Everyone became silent. Probably groggy, assuming the great majority fell asleep. 

The plane eventually came to a stop, and everyone was slowly let out. Tadashi, Hiro, and Aunt Cass grabbed their carry-on bags and went out with them.

“Well! Florida!” she exclaimed, following the crowd to the airport, “I know the climate isn’t too different, but the air is cleaner, and it’s so nice to get away from it all, right?”

“Yeah,” Tadashi said, smiling, “It is.”

“It’s hot,” said Hiro.

Aunt Cass ignored him, meanwhile Tadashi lightly punched him in the arm.

“What?!” Hiro squawked, rubbing his arm.

“It’s mid-afternoon here,” Tadashi said, “of course it’s hot.”

They grabbed their luggage, and Aunt Cass guided them outside to a bus stop. “Alright, so the plan is to basically get on the bus to pick up our rental car, which should be arriving--” she paused to check the time, “--right now.”

Hiro squinted into the distance. There it was-- a big, hulky, blue and white bus. It came to a stop, and the bus driver lady, her name tag displaying nothing but faded letters, helped them with their bags. She didn’t say anything, but her bright pink lips offered quite the impressive smile. Hiro smiled back, and them, along with several others, got in.

The ride there was almost as bumpy as the plane’s landing. They stopped at a somewhat lopsided building. The sign read, “RENT-A-CAR.” Almost everyone got out of the bus as soon as they got in.

Hiro and Tadashi waited on the steps of the building for Aunt Cass.

“Are you excited?” Tadashi asked, nudging him.

“I am.”

“You don’t look it. Tired?”

Hiro looked at him with racoon eyes. “I thought it was obvious.”

There were a few moments of silence.

“And, uh…” Hiro said, “I’m pretty sure the last time I went swimming was when I was five. I don’t even remember much.”

“We won’t be swimming the entire time. There’s plenty to do. And, hey, if it makes you feel any better, when we  _ do  _ go swimming, I’ll stay close to you.”

“Yeah, and if a shark comes around, you’ll sacrifice yourself for me,” Hiro said, unamused.

“That’s the plan,” Tadashi laughed.

“Okay, boys!”

Hiro yelped, “Jeez, Aunt Cass! I didn’t even hear you coming.”

She chuckled, and led them both to a small silver car.

“This is our rental car. Everything is all taken care of, we just need to check in at the hotel.”

They all went in, and Aunt Cass started the car and began driving.

 

\--

 

The hotel was practically a yellow rectangle. They unpacked and settled in, then went to buy some food from the local grocery store and go out for dinner. By the time they’d gotten back, it was late, and they were jet-lagged, and so they simply went to sleep.

The next day, they went swimming. Tadashi was next to Hiro, guiding him through the cold saltwater, as he said he would. Although Hiro never said it, he was thankful. They held hands under water, and to him, it felt safer. Even when Hiro wanted to get out, fully convinced a gray blob appearing for less than a second in the distance was a shark, it felt safer. It was peaceful.

And the next day was peaceful, too. Aunt Cass’s under-eye circles were beginning to fade away, and her smile was brighter.

Then there was the fourth day.

Aunt Cass sighed, peering into the fridge.

“I think,” she said, “we need some food.”

Hiro walked over and looked into it. The shelves offered nothing but 2 cups of vanilla yogurt and a small apple. He laughed, “Uh, yeah, I think you’re right.”

She shut the door. “Alright!” Tadashi, who was laying on the couch, jumped a bit, looking up from his phone. “I’m going to stop at the grocery store. I’ll just buy a few things to hold us off until tomorrow morning.”

She went off to her bedroom to grab her purse.

“How long will you be?” Tadashi asked, lazily dropping his phone on his chest and rubbing his eyes.

“Not long,” she said, walking back into the room. With a foot out the door, she added, “about 40 minutes, at the least.” 

“Bye, Aunt Cass,” said Hiro, and as soon as she shut the door, he shot Tadashi a look.

Tadashi glanced at Hiro and smirked. “Hiro, no.”

Hiro practically stalked over to Tadashi, his hands in his jean pockets. “Why not?” he asked, innocently as possible. He stood beside Tadashi and trailed his fingers down his chest a bit.

Tadashi rolled his eyes, but really couldn’t find an answer. “Um…” Hiro took the phone off of Tadashi’s chest, then set it on top of the coffee table beside them.

“You don’t know?” Hiro smirked, and perched himself on top of Tadashi’s midsection. He leaned on his chest, his head hovering over Tadashi’s, their foreheads touching.

“No,” he breathed.

Their lips brushed, and Tadashi drew his hand up to grab the back of Hiro’s neck, pulling him in. They collided. Hiro greedily swiped his tongue against Tadashi’s smooth bottom lip, wanting to be let in; he obliged, opening his mouth just enough for it to be so. Their tongues met, and the kiss became deeper, Hiro’s swirling around Tadashi’s. Hiro let out a small whimper, and Tadashi gently pushed him off, breaking the kiss.

“W-What?” Hiro asked.

“Bedroom,” Tadashi replied, “now.”

 

\--

  
Hiro gasped as Tadashi thrust into him, his legs thrown over his shoulders. He dug his fingernails into Tadashi’s back, hands running along his sweat-slicked shoulder blades, feeling dizzy, as if he needed to grab on to something. 

“Ta-Tadashi,” he gasped, bringing his hand down to bite its side.

All they could hear was their hot breath, their heavy panting.

They didn’t hear the door open.

Not even the bedroom door.

But they heard Aunt Cass scream.

“What are you doing?!”

There was a moment of disbelief between them. Tadashi moved off of Hiro and Hiro abruptly sat upright, frantically pulling the sheets over himself. Aunt Cass slammed the door and yelled through it, instructing them to get their clothes on, but she opened it only a few seconds later, and shut it, and then repeated her actions, and you’d think she’s lost it.

Hiro stuttered at Tadashi, pants halfway pulled up, panicking, “T-Tadashi, I… What… what are we going to do?”

No response.

“Tadashi? Tadashi, I’m sorry, if I could… I’m-- Fuck,” he spluttered, pulling his hair a bit in frustration.

They finished putting their clothes on, and Hiro went over to open the door to discover Aunt Cass leaning against the wall next to it, rubbing her temples.

She was upset, clearly, but not really crying.

She looked into Hiro’s eyes. “Are you okay? Where’s Tadashi?” small hooks of worry had grown on her forehead.

Hiro nodded, unsure how to respond, and moved away from the doorway, rubbing his arm.

Aunt Cass looked into Tadashi’s eyes. She didn’t do anything that she usually did when she was angry. No ear-pulling, no stress-eating. Nothing like that. She sobbed, and she never sobs, but she sobbed; she sobbed without the tears.

“What were you  _ doing?  _ What were you  _ thinking?! _ This, this-- This is the worst thing that you could have done, It-- It’s the worst thing, you--I-- I just can’t believe that this-- That you would  _ do  _ this!” she paused. “Hiro, please, go into a different room.”

“Okay,” he managed to reply, stepping away from the two and into Aunt Cass’s bedroom. He shut the door and pressed his ear against it.

She continued, although she wasn’t really yelling anymore. It was muffled, but he could still hear her.

“What is wrong with you?”

Hiro flinched, and sat down, pulling his knees against his chest, holding them close with his arms. He began alternating between holding his ear next to the door, pulling it away, and covering them both.

It hurt.

“Why? For how long?” Aunt Cass asked.

“I’m sorry,” there was a mumble he could barely hear. It was Tadashi, speaking as if his words could destroy, as if him speaking could destroy.

It hurt to breathe.

Hiro bit his arm, even though it was covered by his sweater.

Aunt Cass spoke again. “No. No, no, no… no… no… that’s-- No, you are  _ not  _ sorry!”

Silence.

Then something unintelligible from Aunt Cass. Hiro thought he could make out the word “disgusting.” He covered his ears again.

She’s never been like this before.

“Fuck,” he whispered. He repeated the word. And he repeated it again, a couple times over.

Aunt Cass stopped speaking so loudly, and Hiro pushed his ear against the door.

“The store… it closed early.”

Silence again.

“You’re moving out.”

An empty feeling grew in the pit of his stomach-- Or maybe his heart, or both, and his eyes grew wide, and he was shocked. And he didn’t dare move, but maybe he should have, because then he could properly pinch himself and find out that this disaster was only a dream.

“I--” Tadashi began to say, almost as if he were protesting, but he wasn’t, and he continued, speaking quietly, “I’m sorry.”

He said it again, the way he had before, but it was barely a whisper this time.

“You’re moving out as soon as we get home. You’ll need time to pack, you--you’ll sleep on the couch. Away from Hiro. You can’t go near him. I don’t want to see you again, you understand?”

“Yes.”

And this time, Hiro heard no emotion in Tadashi’s voice.

 

\--

 

Aunt Cass’s under eye circles were back, and her smile was no longer bright-- Although, she hasn’t really been smiling.

The next day, they went through the procedure of dropping off the rental car, going on the bus to the airport-- it was the same lady driving the same bus-- going through security, and waiting in line.

Everything went smoothly.

And they got on the plane. Hiro had the window seat again. Aunt Cass sat between them this time, and Hiro slept on no shoulders.

There was no warmth. There was no fluff.

It isn’t like the sky had changed-- It’s not like the world had changed, nothing happened to it. The earth still tilted on its axis, the sun still burned.

But it was sort of like Hiro’s world had changed.

And, well-- It had changed.

Really, to him, everything had changed.

Maybe even he did-- Or at least, how he thought about it all. 

But he still remembered.

That never changed.

 

\--

 

When they got home, Mochi welcomed them all, and everyone but Tadashi unpacked. Since it was such a late hour, he slept on the couch. Away from Hiro. Hiro was directed to lock his bedroom door, and so he did. Aunt Cass didn’t make dinner, but no one really ate, anyways. No one really slept, either.

The next morning, Tadashi called a friend, a friend Hiro didn’t know, living somewhere Hiro didn’t know, asking him if he could stay over at his place for a few months. His friend asked why, and he said because. And then he said because he had to. And then he said because there were some family issues, and then he said “because” again, and stumbled over his words, and let in a shaky breath, and his friend said that it was okay with him. Tadashi told him what time he was hoping to come over, and said that it really should be today, and his friend said that was okay with him, too.

So Tadashi finished packing, leaving behind only a few things, but he took his hat, and his jacket, and everything else he liked, except for Hiro, because he couldn’t take him with, but everything else he took.

Hiro secretly kept a photo of them, hiding it in a place where no one else but him would see.

Aunt Cass went through their phones, deleting each other’s phone numbers, and writing them down so she could look at Hiro’s phone and see if Tadashi would ever try to contact him again, and she said that they really should get Hiro’s number changed as soon as possible, all just to be safe.

And when it was time for Tadashi to leave, he was in the doorway, the café closed for once, because it was a holiday, it was New Year’s, and it was rather timely, because they all were going to say goodbye, and no one ever wants a scene.

Aunt Cass said a simple “goodbye,” and Tadashi said the same, but he added a muffled “I love you,” and if Aunt Cass heard him, she didn’t acknowledge him.

She sat down in a chair near them and held her head in her hands, almost giving Hiro and Tadashi a chance to have a proper goodbye, but it might have only been for her own sake.

Hiro looked up at Tadashi, teary-eyed.

Tadashi looked back.

“Um,” Hiro choked, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… This is my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Tadashi says, and smiles at him with sad eyes, but if it isn’t Hiro’s fault, there’s no one left to blame but himself.

Hiro looks down and lowers his voice to a whisper. “Tadashi, remember everything you wanted me to remember.”

“Hiro, I--” he stopped. “Y--yeah. I will. Hiro, we-- I-- I really have to go.”

They couldn’t really kiss, or hug, or touch, so they smiled at each other, and the smiles were genuine, because they weren’t directed at the situation, but rather, they were for each other, like some sort of good luck charm, even though neither were happy. And it was the only thing they could really think of doing, so they smiled, they smiled with sad eyes.

“Okay,” Tadashi said, “Um, my friend will be expecting me soon, so I’d better go.”

“Okay,” Hiro said, his voice cracking again. “Bye.” And he lowered his voice to a whisper again, enough so Aunt Cass couldn’t hear him.

“I love you.”

But he’s not quite sure if Tadashi could hear him, either, because he didn’t respond, he instead turned away from Hiro, and went out the door, and it sort of dawned on Hiro.

_ Will I see him again? _

And he told himself,

_ I don’t know. _

And so he walked up the stairs, even if he wanted to run, because he was already becoming teary-eyed, and left Aunt Cass to do whatever she was doing, which really wasn’t much, because there really wasn’t much left to do but think, and once he got to his room, he shut the door, and he closed his eyes, and he cried. He cried a lot. But he tried to stop himself, because, really, what’s the use? Tadashi’s not coming back anytime soon. So might as well calm down, and just hope, just hope that someday, maybe they’ll meet again, and maybe they won’t, and if they won’t, then he will move on. And just in case they never do, he’ll move on right now, he’ll start today. So he stopped himself from crying, although it hurt to do so, but he really didn’t notice, since there was so much hurt already, and he wiped his tears on his sleeve, and he sniffed, and thought that maybe he should just take a nap.

He didn’t really sleep last night, anyways.

So he walked over to his bed, fell into it, pulled the covers over himself, and took a nap.

It lasted longer than it should have. Hiro blinked his eyes open and glanced at the clock sitting on top of his night stand. It read 12:37am, and he sighed, feeling stupid for screwing up his sleep schedule so terribly. He tried to fall asleep again, but couldn’t. Instead, he sat up in his bed, looking around a bit, his head feeling heavy. Everything felt heavy, and the room was dimly lit; there was just a bit of moonlight shining through the clouds. He tossed the covers off of himself, and set his feet on the floor. It was cold, and he didn’t notice. He looked around with glazed eyes that were half-shut.

And he thought for a moment that they were tearing up again. And they were, but he ignored it, and decided to play some music, which he only noticed was sad music after he started to play it, and he got into bed again, and cried again, and eventually slept again.

 

\--

 

The morning sun woke Hiro up. His eyes felt crusted, and his head felt sick, and he wanted to fall asleep again, but didn’t, instead, he thought a shower might be nicer. And so he rolled out of his sheets, and into the bathroom, bringing a white t-shirt, jeans, and his sweater. He turned on the water, adjusting the handles so it was lukewarm, and turned to look in the mirror. He leaned onto the counter, staring at himself with worried eyes and a tired complexion. There were dark circles underneath his eyes and he sighed, rubbing them a bit before looking again. It wasn’t really much to see, and there wasn’t really much he wanted to think about, but he kept staring anyways, and not really day-dreaming, but not really thinking, and so he pushed himself away from the mirror. Stripping off his clothing, which was from yesterday and had somehow turned into makeshift pajamas, he stepped into the shower and let the water drench his head, closing his eyes. He turned the handle a bit to the right, hoping cool water would help wash away that sick feeling he had, and if he was lucky, the empty feeling he had, too, but it didn’t. He opened his eyes and stared at the white shower wall.

He’s never felt so alone.

But at the same time, he’s never really felt so hopeful for something, either. So he continued breathing, and he finished his shower, and dried off, and put on clothes that he hoped were fresh, even though he couldn’t really remember, and went downstairs to help Aunt Cass with the café, and he continued, and continued, waiting, and waiting.

 

\--

 

“Hiro, we really should talk…”

Hiro twiddled with his fingers, which were mostly covered by his sweatshirt, and his legs were stretched out as he sat in a chair, arms resting on their kitchen table. Aunt Cass was directly across from him. She wanted to “have a talk,” and according to Hiro’s experience, that phrase hardly ever meant something good, especially at this late an hour.

“About what?”

She kind of looked taken aback, as if it was obvious.

“About  _ you. _ ” Hiro gave her a look, one of his eyebrows raised, appearing clueless, and she sighed. “Your grades. Your sleep schedule, your room, it’s a mess, it almost always is. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Hiro said. “I guess I’ve just been a bit stressed from school work.”

“Then why are your grades so much lower than usual?”

“That’s why I’m stressed out.”

“But this has been going on for months!”

“I’ve been stressed out for a while.”

“I’ve asked you four days in a row to clean your room, and you haven’t done it yet.”

“I’ve been working on that here and there-- I’ll finish as soon as I can.”

“You’re always on the computer, why don’t you have time to do it?”

“I use the computer for homework.”

“And you don’t sleep because you’re doing homework, and you’re stressed from homework,” she sighed, seeing that if she asked another question similar, they’d be going around in a full circle of the same answers.

Aunt Cass looked at him, holding her chin up with one hand. “Hiro, are you doing okay?” she asked, looking concerned.

He raised his eyebrow again, and looked at her, but only for a second. “Yeah, I’m doing fine. Again, I’m stressed, and actually, I’m tired, too. But I’m doing fine mentally.”

She paused, seeming as if she was thinking about something.

Then she furrowed her brows, and looked somewhere at the floor.

“Is it Tadashi?”

Hiro’s heart skipped a beat, but he didn’t show it.

“What? No, of course not, I haven’t seen him for almost a year and a half. I’ve actually not thought about him for months, you know, he’s not been on my mind recently. Honestly, Aunt Cass, I really am just stressed.”

_ Liar. _

It's not like he could tell the truth, though. It's stupid. The truth is stupid, and so it'd be stupid to say it.

Aunt Cass sighed and moved her head off her hand, then looked directly at him, appearing relieved.

“Well, that’s good, Hiro.”

She smiled, and Hiro smiled back.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to check and see if everything was alright with you. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“It’s no issue, Aunt Cass.”

“Alright, good,” she said, and she stood up, walking over to him, then giving him a quick hug. “You go back to your school work, now, since it’s giving you such a hard time.” she smiled, and told him good luck, and Hiro said thank you, then went back up the steps, and shut the door, and sat on his bed, and he sighed, and he wondered.

He wondered why.

And then he wondered, what if?

And he thought, he thought how good of a thing it was, being with Tadashi.

And then he thought,

_ I really need him. _

And then he thought,

_ What if he needs me, too? _

 

\--

 

Tadashi glared at the ceiling of his apartment.

At  _ some  _ point he has to forget about Hiro.

…Right?

And he thought, as long as you're not sad forever, then it's okay.

Maybe something like that.

And it isn't like he misses Hiro-- even though, he thought, that, no, he never thinks about him, because he used to think about him every day, and then a year passed, and he stopped, and he remembered that surely, he no longer missed Hiro, but he then sort of noticed, he does still think about him, he doesn't even want to, but he does, and he hadn't realized it until he actually started keeping track of it, and so, to Tadashi's dismay, he'd discovered that he still thinks of Hiro quite often, actually, every single day, and it couldn't be that odd, because Hiro was a significant part of his life, and humans think of so many different and strange things every day, so it couldn't be that weird, could it? But still, why? Why is it that when he doesn't care about Hiro anymore, he doesn't love him-- Why would he? He's gone. So what's the point of it?-- he still thinks about him everyday? And he doesn't really think of him, as in, him as a person, like his thick black hair, or small frame, or wide eyes, or his stubbornness, or his intelligence, and it's nothing like that, and it's not really their relationship, either, because he doesn't think about the way they held hands, or laughed together, not even that one time where they had sat outside because Hiro wanted to watch a sunset with him-- and Hiro never said why, but he really wanted to, so they did, and he seemed so happy-- but no, not that either, it was more something like just him being in existence, just the fact that he was a part of his life for some reason, only to have him ripped out of it and destroy Tadashi, because he'd just pop into his head, and it would be things that came from nowhere, seemingly, like how Hiro would’ve reacted to something Tadashi did, or what he’d say, or a reason for Hiro doing this or that some time this long ago, which might not be the actual reason at all, really, but Tadashi just thinks of it and wonders about it because, or often times just how Hiro might’ve felt that day when everything came crashing down; when everything was ruined; when everything was all taken away; when he was in that room, alone, as Aunt Cass was losing it-- Was he okay? Did he cry? How did he feel? Guilty, perhaps, or maybe only regretful, or shocked. Maybe he didn’t even feel anything, maybe he blocked it all out so there was only this numbing pain that ached at him, and sometimes he'd wonder how Hiro was doing, and it was sort of like he was simply caring for a relative who lives several days away, but it was more complex than that, because there was some sort of sadness that came with it that Tadashi chooses to ignore, or at least, tries his hardest to, and it might be a sadness that comes from the possibility that he actually  _ does  _ miss Hiro, but he really just can't tell, because he's been telling himself the opposite for months and months, and his emotions, the way he thinks, almost, or maybe just how he feels about things, are all blurred, and he really just can't tell how he feels about things anymore, and if he were to think about it, so as to perhaps try and figure things out, then it might just result in some sort of emotional breakdown, and those aren't the best, so why bother going through that just to try to find out how he feels about a few things in his past? Might as well forget, instead of trying to make sense of it all.

Although, it's kind of hard to forget when you can't help but think of it every day.

And so Tadashi sighed, and reminded himself that it was much too late to try and drink his thoughts away, especially considering that the later he drinks, the faster he becomes inclined to drink more, and it really was such a terrible habit-- which he kept telling himself was more of an old habit, really, he's no alcoholic, and it's not like he was lying, because he doesn't have an issue, but, admittedly, it can get out of hand-- and maybe sometime soon he should try to stay sober for perhaps a full week, then next time, two, and so on and so forth. And he could start tonight, even though he wasn't really feeling motivated, but maybe he just needed something else to think about, because his thoughts were really starting to get out of hand; it was almost like they never ended, it was almost like his mind wouldn't shut up.

He reached over and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills from the counter.

"Should help," he mumbled, "with all this worthless thinking I've been doing these past few months."

But the thinking bothered him for hours, and hours, and he began to rub and scratch at his head, and he sometimes would even tug his hair a bit, as if to reach in and stop the thoughts from happening.

And there were only a few thoughts left, scattering around his mind, before he went to sleep, and there was one final thought that really hit him hard, and he was sort of wondering if he should’ve elaborated on it.

_ How could something that made me so happy make me so sad now? _

_ …What if I need him? _

 

\--

 

“I want you to remember that I love you. I know that you  _ know  _ I love you, but I want you to remember.”

Three years had passed, and Hiro still remembers. He remembers all of it.

And he knows he remembers, because it was written down on the back of the photo he kept of them, he kept it hidden in his drawer, and it was like he sometimes had to avoid that drawer so as to not remind himself of what he sometimes thought would be better to forget about.

But then again, he couldn’t forget.

In a way, he made a promise.

He can’t break a promise.

Well, of course, he could, but some nagging feeling stopped him from doing it.

And so he remembered.

But there was some sort of other feeling that nagged at him, too, and it might have been caused by his own paranoia, or perhaps it was the reruns that played in his head sometimes, of Tadashi not saying much to him the day he left, of him stuttering, and Hiro couldn’t tell, exactly, it was just a feeling.

But, Tadashi forgot.

And the feeling wasn’t strong enough to bother him, but it wasn’t weak enough for him to ignore, either, and after thinking about it for some time, he thought that there has to be some way to think about it less, and maybe he could take a walk to clear his mind, and listen to some music, and then, he could stop thinking about it.

He walked down the stairs, grabbing his earphones and iPod, and saw Aunt Cass.

“Hey, Aunt Cass?”

“Hiro,” she smiled at him, “Hey, do you want a muffin?”

He let out a soft laugh, and replied, “No, I was actually thinking about going on a short walk.”

“That’s perfectly fine,” she said, “are you sure you don’t want a muffin?”

“Yeah, I am, but thanks,” he stepped out of her way, walking towards the door, putting his earphones in.

He pushed the door open, a blast of cool air hitting him, and he breathed it in, calming himself down, and changing the music to something he thought might be soothing.

Maybe going to the park would be a good idea.

He stared at the sidewalk as he went, thinking more about the music than what he was trying not to think about, which was such a nice thing, but the closer he got to the park, the harder it was to stop thinking about it, and so he sighed, and looked up, and the park was in sight, and the benches were, too, and everything else, and he thought about it, even though he tried not to, but he kind of remembered that one time, when he begged Tadashi to go and watch the sunset with him, and he really doesn’t know why he wanted to see the sunset with him so much, but he did, and Tadashi agreed, and they sat at that bench, over in the corner.

And he was so happy.

And since he couldn’t push that particular thought out of his head, he thought maybe he should go and see that bench, just one last time, because maybe then the thought would go away, and so he began walking over to it, and he was still looking down, and he sighed, and he pulled his head up-- for some reason it felt so heavy-- and he looked, and--

He looked like Tadashi.

Same hat and jacket, actually.

And he didn't really jump for joy, but he wasn't upset, either, and it was kind of this feeling of disbelief.

And it probably wasn’t Tadashi, since there were so many times when Hiro could have  _ sworn  _ he saw him.

It never was Tadashi.

It’s not going to be him this time, either.

But as he got closer, it really did begin to look like him, and Hiro thought that maybe his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him this time.

But if it is Tadashi, then what? Say something? Keep walking? Well, maybe neither, but now they were almost a yard apart, only, and he could stop walking, he probably should have a while back, but he didn’t, and he had to make up his mind, and--

And then Tadashi looked up, and their eyes met.

The thoughts stopped.

Hiro stopped.

He pulled out his earphones.

Tadashi spoke, and Hiro could’ve sworn his voice cracked a bit, “Um… Hiro?”

Hiro made some sort of soft noise that he hoped Tadashi hadn’t heard. “Y--Yeah.”

Tadashi didn’t move, instead he just remained hunched over, holding both his phone and eye contact with him, his mouth slightly open in surprise, so Hiro walked forward, praying he wouldn’t trip.

“I… didn’t really think I’d be seeing you.”

“I didn’t think I’d see you,” said Tadashi, and Hiro thought he could hear the disbelief in his voice.

“I-- I didn’t think I’d  _ ever  _ be seeing you again, I mean-- meant, and, um, I--”

“Hiro,” Tadashi began, sighing, “I’m… pretty sure I know what you’re about to say.”

Hiro stared at him with wide eyes, even though he shouldn’t be surprised, because Tadashi probably does know, he knows him so well.

“We can’t.”

“Uh-- Heh, what?”

_ Shit. _

“We can’t get into whatever we used to call us--  _ that.  _ We can’t do that. Not again.”

_ Fuck. Not again, not again. I can’t do this, not again-- Why did I get my hopes up? _

Hiro mulled his words over a bit, staring at the ground.

“W--Why--”

“ _ Because, _ ” he began, tensed up, then sighed again, “Because… I’m… I am not who you fell in love with.”

“You-- What?”

“I am  _ not-- _ ”

“Why not?!” Hiro was surprised, because he’d nearly yelled, and his eyes might’ve been tearing up again--  _ again,  _ and thankfully no one was around, although Hiro couldn’t have cared less.

“I-- I-- I…” he falters.

Hiro stared at him.

“I…I fucked up. I’ve never been good for you, you should know that, Hiro, I’ve been  _ hurting you,  _ you know; don’t you know? And then I fucked up, and I didn’t know what to do, and so I just turned around and started hurting myself. And I’m  _ so sorry,  _ but Hiro, I can’t. I can’t hurt you. Not again.”

Hiro looked down.

“Tadashi… I was so happy, you know, and now, I’m just so sad, and I’m thinking, ‘I know it,’ you know, I think, ‘I need you,’ and I’ve been telling myself that for so long, just so I never forget-- Which I could never do, really-- and I’ve kind of wondered, because, I don’t know, I can’t help but wonder, but… Do you need me, too? And then I started thinking, if that’s the case, then what if we need each other?”

“…”

“And, really, I just can’t help but keep my promises. And it was never really said, but it was a promise to me, because you wanted me to, and so I did.”

“…”

“You don’t know, and you don’t remember, but, Tadashi, I love you. And you don’t remember, but even if you couldn’t hear my voice, I’ve been right beside you… You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all I’ve done.”

He started shaking.

“Neither of us can raise our voice to say it, I know, and I understand that, but that doesn’t down the truth of it, Tadashi, I love you just the same.”

He paused.

“I always have.”

He looked at Tadashi.

He couldn’t see his face, and he swallowed, and it was as if he were swallowing a horse pill. And it was quiet for what felt like too long.

Tadashi took a breath. “I,” he started, then paused, and continued, “I… Almost gave up on such a good thing,” and then he paused again, and then continued, “Hiro… How could I have almost hurt you again?”

He laughed, and it was like a huff, and then he started crying, but he wasn’t sobbing, it was the gentle crying, and it really wasn’t much, it was only a few tears, and Hiro wanted to hug him, but he didn’t know if he should.

“Maybe we really do need each other… No, I’ve been so stupid lately, we  _ really _ need each other, don’t we?” He laughed again, and wiped his eyes with his palms, and he looked at Hiro.

And Hiro felt it was right to do so, so he hugged him.

And Tadashi hugged back, and buried his head in Hiro’s neck, and it sort of felt like something similar to fate, or destiny, because it didn’t really feel like luck, even though he doesn’t really believe in any of those things, but it felt like something was fulfilled, or maybe completed.

And the world hadn’t changed, but Hiro’s world had.

Tadashi pulled away, then grabbed Hiro by the shoulders, looking into his eyes. It took him a moment to realize he had Hiro again, he had his meaning again, he had what he'd once called the best thing he's ever done again, even though he's not the best thing he's ever done, the best thing he's ever done was take Hiro back.

“Trust me, we’ll make up for all this mess.”

“I’m eighteen, now, you know, I could move out--”

“Oh, damn, Hiro, I’ll need to seriously clean up--”

“Aunt Cass isn’t as protective anymore, not nearly, she hasn’t checked my phone for so long-- Tadashi, we could actually  _ talk  _ using our  _ phones _ , now-- and as for moving, I’ll just tell her I’m moving in with Fred… You know, I don’t think that’s quite the permanent solution, but for now, that’ll be good; he’d be willing, I’m sure, I could just drop my things off at your house, and y’know, I’ll live there, and maybe someday we could even make enough money to live together in our own house-- Tadashi,  _ our own house,  _ imagine that…” He stopped rambling, and looked to the side, and he smiled, his mouth slightly open. And then his eyes started tearing up, and he looks like he believes this couldn’t have possibly happened.

But it did.

Hiro scratches the back of his head, and thinks for a moment. 

“Maybe even someday we could tell Aunt Cass… After we get our own place together, and, ehm, I don’t know.”

Tadashi smiled a bit harder.

“Might be best if you tell her-- Or maybe she’d have to see whether I’m being genuine or not.”

“We could just tell her together, then… Either way, she’ll find out eventually, she always does. And I don’t think either of us want what happened in Florida to happen again.” his eyes suddenly lit up. “Oh! You have your phone, here, I’ll tell you my number… We never did change it, speaking of which,” he added, with a smirk, and he told Tadashi his phone number.

“Seven?”

“No, Kevin--  _ Yes,  _ seven.”

“You’re the one who never articulates.”

“Wha-- Oh, never mind with you,” Hiro said, keeping his face as straight as possible.

Tadashi pokes his nose, and Hiro can’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry, I just-- I can’t believe this is happening. Text me, so I can wake up tomorrow and know this isn’t a dream.”

“I’ll spam you, if you want.”

Tadashi grabs Hiro’s hands, and looks at him, eyebrows slightly raised. “You’ll tell me when you’re moving, right?”

“I promise, I’ll straighten out everything out with Aunt Cass as soon as I can, and I think I’ll try to visit her every weekend, too, because, well-- It’s Aunt Cass, I love her.”

“Perfect, then.” he said, letting go.

“Maybe some time I could bring you with.”

“ _ Please. _ ”

“I really should get going… I told her ‘short walk,’ y’know.”

“Alright, go on, then.”

Hiro turned, walking away, still in disbelief, smiling harder than he has in years.

“And, uh, Hiro?”

Hiro spun around and looked back at Tadashi. “Yeah?”

“Remember that I love you too, okay?”

Hiro smiled.

“Yeah, I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> ok i'm really sorry for this. but wow you finished nice. how did you tolerate the trash. idk but seriously thank you for reading it I hope you enjoyed!


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